Safe Place

This is a blog of sorts. I dump things here and look back at them when I want to reflect. If anyone ever stumbles upon it, you're welcome to stay a while and chat, leave comments or whatever.

Pride Month Rumination

I’m pansexual. I’m genderfluid. I don’t know why that would make me really all that different from straight people, trans people, religious or any other kind of people. Cause the way I see it we’re all just people. 


I love your dress, and I love that bow tie. That color coordination, damn! Everyone is so unique, not just from how they are born but in how they present themselves. But still, every one of us has at least one thing in common with everyone else. We need to stick together to get the best chance of survival. We’re meant to support each other, and only discourage unhealthy behaviors, never the healthy ones. 


I’ve always been a live and let live soul. Just because there’s a squirrel population boom causing the birds to flee my yard, doesn’t mean I should drag them away from their home or kill them. I would much rather enjoy the company of the critters than dread it. And that extends to my fellow humans. 


I only dread the company of those that I cannot bear to be around for my own mental health, due to their unpredictably toxic presence. Even those few people have my sympathy at the least, because I know they harbor fear and pain in their hearts. 


I am trying to learn how to become truly proud of who I am. I always thought I had to come up with the perfect explanation of what’s going on in my head, so that I could explain it logically to my father when I came out one day. I know now that convincing him of anything isn’t possible, and I don’t need his pride when I already have so much. 


There’s no way I can really convey my “identity” to anyone besides me. So instead, I have to remember to laugh in the face of adversity, and not let such absurdity affect my mood in the slightest. Why should I be angry at someone who has no idea what he’s even talking about? It’s not worth it to engage with toxic people, they just feed on the attention like squirrels do bird feed.


I’m really coming around to noticeable healing after 1 1/2 years of zero contact and more years of LC, but if I ever want to see my other family again in person I’m gonna have to see my dad too. Hopefully I’ll be ready and I’ll be strong enough not to let him get to me now. I am proud to have turned out opposite to how he wanted me to. I am proud to be his disappointment. I am proud to have made the self decision to avoid him and his behavior, and instead enjoy the small equality this world has. 


I have fallen off the wagon

I haven't gone to class since Thanksgiving. My homework has been neglected, and I cannot bring myself to get to it. I don't know what's going on anymore. My depression is thriving while I stay trapped indoors, it's too cold to go on walks anymore. I can't even get dressed most days. I keep letting dishes and laundry pile up. I even find it hard to pick up my guitar and play. I hardly text or call anyone, it's as though I've become an introvert. I keep thinking there is no hope for me. I can't help but feel that college is pointless now. 

I'm going home during winter break. My boyfriend is coming with me. While I am very happy that he is, it is nervewracking to think of seeing my dad, especially while my boyfriend is present. We're probably going to avoid him at all costs. I haven't spoken with my father in months now, I think. I never like talking with him. It is always taxing. I am still really mad at him for how he treated me last time I visited. Calling me all sorts of names, even behind my back when he thought I couldn't hear him. He also got mad at me out of the blue, and decided not to drive me to the airport at the last second, because I "didn't speak to him the whole time I was there." This is completely false, as I can recall hours of conversation where I put up with his bullshit. As usual, he didn't listen to reason.

He wants me to talk to him more, but he has never once in my life been even a decent listener. Everything has to be about him and his beliefs. Sometimes I think I would do anything to have a father with whom I share mutual love and respect. He has wronged me in many ways during my lifetime, but I absolutely cannot forgive him for nearly killing my mother because of his stupidity and arrogance. I have no desire to speak with him ever again. He has never changed, and he never will. 

I love someone, but...

It's so strange, so surreal, to be able to freely bring him along on my adventures in life. There's no hiding, no secrets. Everyone can know, and no one minds it. It's such a relief. It's kind of fucked up that I couldn't feel that way before just because I was dating a girl, but I guess that's all in the past now. 

I am so happy with him. He takes care of me when I can't. And he's not afraid to open up to me when he's upset. Although I probably make it hard for him to keep things inside, um... 

Literally the only thing I'm worried about is that he's not Jewish.

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Lost at Sea

Stillness; a reflection in the dark calm

A ripple, a storm brewing beneath

Waves rise and crash, His hand lifts

Carried away, drowning, left adrift

A whisper, a gentle touch

She looks up, showing her face

Her colors reaching like fingertips

Resplendent in the ocean mists

Remorse; His wrath subsides

Soft sand envelops her feet

Grounded, still something amiss

His tight embrace, His frozen kiss