I love someone, but...

It's so strange, so surreal, to be able to freely bring him along on my adventures in life. There's no hiding, no secrets. Everyone can know, and no one minds it. It's such a relief. It's kind of fucked up that I couldn't feel that way before just because I was dating a girl, but I guess that's all in the past now. 

I am so happy with him. He takes care of me when I can't. And he's not afraid to open up to me when he's upset. Although I probably make it hard for him to keep things inside, um... 

Literally the only thing I'm worried about is that he's not Jewish.

I'm so conflicted about my religion and it drives me crazy sometimes. I need to let go, but I need to hold onto it, too. It's all I've known for most of my life. And there's some kind of peace you find in faith that you can't find anywhere else, even though it somehow causes so much inner turmoil at the same time. I want to beat myself up over everything I do wrong, but I also want to be free from these restrictions. I don't know who to turn to, but I hope I can find someone who understands, and soon. I can't take this inner conflict anymore. 

Since the desire to be free of restrictions is definitely stronger, I'll probably end up ditching them altogether. That doesn't mean I'll let go of my beliefs entirely, and it certainly doesn't mean I'll be evacuating my morals. 

I keep asking G-d for patience. I want to feel like this is just temporary, and that one day I'll have some epiphany and understand my place in this religion, or the place it has to have in my life. 

I do love the community. There are so many people who have taken me in and given me the gift of love, all because of this religion. I love the support people have given me in the past. But there are so many things I hate about it. So many people who do the opposite, and ostrisize others, playing judge, jury, and executioner. So many people that  feel threatened when the ideals are challenged. So many things that get hushed just so we don't look bad. How is any of this different from any other religion? What makes this one so special, and how is thinking it's the only religion that's "real" not hypocritical as fuck? The foundational stories are just as hard to believe if not more so.

They call this "Yetzer Harah", the spirit of evil. Basically, the desire to be "free" of religion. But I can't believe that not wanting to survive on nothing but frozen fish meals and scarce canned food is the same as wanting to do evil. Besides, it feels so wrong when I can't eat at my friend's houses, especially my boyfriend's home. It feels more evil to be disappointing them and making them feel bad that they can't treat me like any other human being. I don't feel special, I feel like I'm being obnoxious. 

I hate this feeling!

I love him so fucking much. I don't want this to get in the way. I don't want to end up like my mom, who chose religion over love and has lived in a shithole of a home ever since. I just want to be happy! Is that really the "Yetzer Harah" talking?