Safe Place

This is a blog of sorts. I dump things here and look back at them when I want to reflect. If anyone ever stumbles upon it, you're welcome to stay a while and chat, leave comments or whatever.

I have fallen off the wagon

I haven't gone to class since Thanksgiving. My homework has been neglected, and I cannot bring myself to get to it. I don't know what's going on anymore. My depression is thriving while I stay trapped indoors, it's too cold to go on walks anymore. I can't even get dressed most days. I keep letting dishes and laundry pile up. I even find it hard to pick up my guitar and play. I hardly text or call anyone, it's as though I've become an introvert. I keep thinking there is no hope for me. I can't help but feel that college is pointless now. 

I'm going home during winter break. My boyfriend is coming with me. While I am very happy that he is, it is nervewracking to think of seeing my dad, especially while my boyfriend is present. We're probably going to avoid him at all costs. I haven't spoken with my father in months now, I think. I never like talking with him. It is always taxing. I am still really mad at him for how he treated me last time I visited. Calling me all sorts of names, even behind my back when he thought I couldn't hear him. He also got mad at me out of the blue, and decided not to drive me to the airport at the last second, because I "didn't speak to him the whole time I was there." This is completely false, as I can recall hours of conversation where I put up with his bullshit. As usual, he didn't listen to reason.

He wants me to talk to him more, but he has never once in my life been even a decent listener. Everything has to be about him and his beliefs. Sometimes I think I would do anything to have a father with whom I share mutual love and respect. He has wronged me in many ways during my lifetime, but I absolutely cannot forgive him for nearly killing my mother because of his stupidity and arrogance. I have no desire to speak with him ever again. He has never changed, and he never will. 

If I Could Be Two...

I really wish there were just two of me. And I could feel myself in whichever one I wanted to at any moment. Hey, why not: one me would be a guy, and one would be a girl. The guy me would just chillax at home and skate, and chat with mah homies, while the girl me could urge out the rest of my creative energy and feel productive all the time. 'Cause I can't do both at once, and I can't feel both at once, and it sucks. I'm either productive and creative but totally restless, or relaxing and chill but feeling like I'm not doing anything important. There's no in between. And each one lasts for months at a time. And each one sucks without the other balancing it out. 

This sounds pretty stupid. Good thing no one reads this thing.


Starting To Live As Bigender!

I cut my hair at 5 AM Monday morning, December 7th, 2015. I finished touching it up yesterday with a razor comb that I was able to convince my mother to get for me. She freaked out at first, yeah, but mainly because she would rather I have it professionally cut. I madly disagree. Like I told her, it's like telling someone else how to sculpt a statue or an object in your mind. It just can't be done... Everyone's style is different.

I woke up this morning feeling very much like a girl. Yesterday I was convinced that I was just transgender as I couldn't recall the emotions I had when being comfortable with my body, even though I knew there were points in my past where I was. And now I feel like I'm permanently cisgendered, although I know there's going to be days in the future where I'll be feeling dysphoric again.

It's only hitting me now that I cut my hair, of course. Yesterday I was very, very happy with looking like a boy, and everyone teasing me about that. So I had to do something to make myself feel more girly today, just a tad bit, so I can be most comfortable. I just put a colorful belt-type thing around my head as a headband and put my hair overit, letting the long ends fall over my shoulders like ponytails. I'm wearing a brightly colored shirt, which is something I haven't done in a long time, with a long blue skirt. I feel very lady-like, now. x3


I still prefer not to wear makeup. I don't feel like that's reserved for girls, either, but that isn't what's stopping me. I just don't like to wear it! It feels so gross on me. It feels... Fake. I don't think wearing makeup is a terrible thing, though. If you're comfortable with it, good for you! Don't be afraid to express yourself.