It's Weird

I've always looked up to my mom, so much...

It's funny, arguing with her about this. I tried to tell her about what it means to accept gay people. How they aren't evil, or trying to attack religion. How whatever prejudice she thinks they have against religious individuals can be said all the more so for the way religious people persecute them.

It's funny, cause I have to talk in third person about something that applies all too well to myself, and most of my friends. She tells me what a small percentage of the population they are, but I was at the NYC pride this year, and damn me if that wasn't a lot of people.

I can't change, mom. And that's what sucks.

They say the best way to overcome a challenge is to go over it, not under. And maybe blatantly ignoring my dysphoria and replacing it with religious values can eventually eliminate it from my brain, maybe if I brainwash myself enough... Maybe then I can learn to accept myself and my body, and accept that I can never be a born boy. 

But that doesn't mean that now I don't feel it. That I don't still feel awkward as fuck around boys, since i just... Don't know how I should act around them. Should I just be myself, or would they be totally weirded out at my some-odd masculinity? It's not that I care to get in a sexual relationship with a boy, not at all, really... I just want to be accepted by them, and I don't really have any guy friends...? I mean, I go to an all girls school. Oh GOD, that makes things so much worse...

I have a very accepting girlfriend now, and I couldn't be happier, honestly. I just wish I could be open about our relationship with at least my own mother. I wish my spirituality didn't reside in conflict with hers.