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I hate to talk about all of this, but I need validation, and achieving that through writing is... Simply put, the easiest way out of this state I'm in. It's a long, and dreary, inconsequential post.
- provided courtesy of iTunes
I just finished my period today, after horrible mood swings lasting for about a week. I had been subduing my irate mind by running daily, but found to my horror that my performance in that case was rapidly decreasing. It came to the point where my heart would be palpitating madly after just one or so laps around the gym's track. If I continued to run to reach at least two miles, my usual distance, I would notice my peripheral vision going hazy and then blackening out completely.
At first, this led me to believe someone was rapidly approaching from close behind me, but when turning my head and seeing no one, I knew it was just my vision. Each day this experience increased in it's nature, and sooner in my run, until my vision was but a small tunnel of light straight ahead of me. I started to feel the urge to vomit as well, and couldn't seem to catch my breath no matter how long of a break I took.
I got the results of my blood test back, and this all makes sense now. It explained as well why I couldn't help but to fall asleep in classes throughout the school year, and felt a constant fatigue blotting out my senses. I have anemia.
At first I was rather disturbed by this. I felt hopeless and frustrated, angry and... Scared. My favorite outlet, running, would be taken away from me just when my motivation was at its peak. To get out of this negative field, I did what I alwats do: I went running.
It took some convincing before my mother agreed to bring me. I had to tell her that I'd run around the dark and dangerous neighborhood if she wouldn't take me to the gym, so she took me. By the time I reached one mile, my head was swarming with so many positive thoughts about my anemia. Thoughts such as: "Something so common and easy to cure, once I start taking iron supplements I'll be able to increase my limits drastically! And, it's ironic in so many ways!" I was laughing by the time I finished.
I do love running.
Then my period came. Losing about four pounds of blood doesn't help much with anemia, believe me. It's no wonder I'm so weak during this time. I woke up early one morning with cramps so bad I actually couldn't fall back asleep, something abnormal for me. I had my mother bring me a hot water bottle, which helped a lot, and I managed to fall back asleep.
Not being able to run for several days now has taken its toll on me. I had surge upon surge of electric anxiety pulsing through me throughout this wasted day. I did learn some new songs on the ukelele, and I had called and talked to my friends for a long while, but I didn't do anything I feel was a good enough accomplishment to finish the day.
I tried to retire early, but my siblings were making a ruckus next door. My siblings have been a bit annoying the past couple days. My whole family, actually. They won't stop quietly discussing my sexuality. They all seem to have a different opinion on what it is. When any of them ask me, I say upright that I'm bisexual, but they don't seem to understand. Joey seems to get it, and my mom accepts me for whoever I am, but I keep hearing Rachel saying, "She's just bicurious." My dad only seems to get involved in these types of conversations when I'm not around, probably because he knows that he has absolutely no clue what he's talking about. Aaron and him both think I'm a lesbian. Joey actually tried teasing me about it now, but he doesn't understand that I'm not insecure like him. (｡ >艸<).
I actually do appreciate that he can talk freely with me about it, though, no matter his intentions. I think that's his way of saying "it's cool", really.
Anyway, my mother still wasn't home yet, either, and wouldn't pick up her phone. This drove anxiety through me like a knife. Worry is one thing that never lets me shut my eyes at night.
My mother has a gambling addiction. Rachel opened my eyes to see more of this problem, where before I could only see the problematic results of it. One being that she has, at this point, lied to me at least twice in situations involving gambling. Another result being partially selfish in that I can't sleep until she's home safely.
She finally answered my call, and I wished her happy birthday. At that moment she won some money, and so I made her promise that she'd be home right away. It's been an hour since then.
At least I finally managed to release my welled up tears. I was desperate for some loud angry music, but I can't listen to it right now for religious reasons... I listened to horror stories instead. They are surprisingly calming. My dad yelled my name loudly, and I ignored him. My senses snapped back to reality as his shouting grew louder and louder and I answered "What??", to which he said, "I need your garbage!". Tomorrow the trash will be collected, so he was taking it out. I told him it was barely full, and could hear him muttering angrily as he stormed down the stairs.
She finally called back just now, and said she'd won some more, and that now she was coming straight home.
I finally got that hug from her which I craved so. We drank some tea, and I feel better now. I wonder how long I'll feel okay before sinking down again. I pray I'll be able to run tomorrow, it's been nearly a week now.
