I have fallen off the wagon

I haven't gone to class since Thanksgiving. My homework has been neglected, and I cannot bring myself to get to it. I don't know what's going on anymore. My depression is thriving while I stay trapped indoors, it's too cold to go on walks anymore. I can't even get dressed most days. I keep letting dishes and laundry pile up. I even find it hard to pick up my guitar and play. I hardly text or call anyone, it's as though I've become an introvert. I keep thinking there is no hope for me. I can't help but feel that college is pointless now. 

I'm going home during winter break. My boyfriend is coming with me. While I am very happy that he is, it is nervewracking to think of seeing my dad, especially while my boyfriend is present. We're probably going to avoid him at all costs. I haven't spoken with my father in months now, I think. I never like talking with him. It is always taxing. I am still really mad at him for how he treated me last time I visited. Calling me all sorts of names, even behind my back when he thought I couldn't hear him. He also got mad at me out of the blue, and decided not to drive me to the airport at the last second, because I "didn't speak to him the whole time I was there." This is completely false, as I can recall hours of conversation where I put up with his bullshit. As usual, he didn't listen to reason.

He wants me to talk to him more, but he has never once in my life been even a decent listener. Everything has to be about him and his beliefs. Sometimes I think I would do anything to have a father with whom I share mutual love and respect. He has wronged me in many ways during my lifetime, but I absolutely cannot forgive him for nearly killing my mother because of his stupidity and arrogance. I have no desire to speak with him ever again. He has never changed, and he never will. 

Life Update: COVID, college, and controlled substances

I really wish I have been keeping a journal since this all started. I have gone through so much this year, along with everyone I know. I have no access to the kind of therapy I need. This all sucks. 

I love someone, but...

It's so strange, so surreal, to be able to freely bring him along on my adventures in life. There's no hiding, no secrets. Everyone can know, and no one minds it. It's such a relief. It's kind of fucked up that I couldn't feel that way before just because I was dating a girl, but I guess that's all in the past now. 

I am so happy with him. He takes care of me when I can't. And he's not afraid to open up to me when he's upset. Although I probably make it hard for him to keep things inside, um... 

Literally the only thing I'm worried about is that he's not Jewish.

Abandonment Issues... For real?

Sometimes you get depressed and you can't figure out what's getting you down. You push people away and hurt those you thought you loved, and you can't figure out why you keep doing this to yourself. 

Lost at Sea

Stillness; a reflection in the dark calm

A ripple, a storm brewing beneath

Waves rise and crash, His hand lifts

Carried away, drowning, left adrift

A whisper, a gentle touch

She looks up, showing her face

Her colors reaching like fingertips

Resplendent in the ocean mists

Remorse; His wrath subsides

Soft sand envelops her feet

Grounded, still something amiss

His tight embrace, His frozen kiss

Just breathe

I can see it in your smile

The tired lines from too much trying

You've been faking for a while

You can't cry if you keep lying

When you can't take it anymore

Don't shy away, emotions flying

I sympathize as you empty your eyes

Your heart is finally breathing

Hm

Here in this town

I'm alone, full of doubts

My heart's in my throat 

It's choking me now

There's no one I trust

To be there for me

If there's no one

I want to drown in my sea

Loneliness is Just Another Way for Misery to Get into Your Head

Why do I feel so damned awful when I go too long without a good thorough conversation with a loved one?

I feel so lonely when I feel like no one really cares about what's inside me, or even care enough to share with me what they have inside them. 

Every day there's something different happening. There's endless things to talk about. But people don't seem to be as much of a friend as I wish. They don't show that they care enough. No one does anymore. I don't know. I help other people with things because I'm their friend and I genuinely care about them. I don't expect them to always be there for me in return, because that's basically impossible. But simple things... Like listening to what I have to say, or texting me and asking how I'm doing... I wish people could show that they appreciate me.

Just a little bit.

Not to return any "favors", because that's not what I was ever looking for. But to show that you care about me as much as I care about you. Because the love I have for you needs to be fulfilled, and I can't just love you but not see it requited. It's just so, so painful. I wish I could see that you care about me. Because I need you to. I have too much love and I care too much. And it hurts.