Safe Place

This is a blog of sorts. I dump things here and look back at them when I want to reflect. If anyone ever stumbles upon it, you're welcome to stay a while and chat, leave comments or whatever.

I have fallen off the wagon

I haven't gone to class since Thanksgiving. My homework has been neglected, and I cannot bring myself to get to it. I don't know what's going on anymore. My depression is thriving while I stay trapped indoors, it's too cold to go on walks anymore. I can't even get dressed most days. I keep letting dishes and laundry pile up. I even find it hard to pick up my guitar and play. I hardly text or call anyone, it's as though I've become an introvert. I keep thinking there is no hope for me. I can't help but feel that college is pointless now. 

I'm going home during winter break. My boyfriend is coming with me. While I am very happy that he is, it is nervewracking to think of seeing my dad, especially while my boyfriend is present. We're probably going to avoid him at all costs. I haven't spoken with my father in months now, I think. I never like talking with him. It is always taxing. I am still really mad at him for how he treated me last time I visited. Calling me all sorts of names, even behind my back when he thought I couldn't hear him. He also got mad at me out of the blue, and decided not to drive me to the airport at the last second, because I "didn't speak to him the whole time I was there." This is completely false, as I can recall hours of conversation where I put up with his bullshit. As usual, he didn't listen to reason.

He wants me to talk to him more, but he has never once in my life been even a decent listener. Everything has to be about him and his beliefs. Sometimes I think I would do anything to have a father with whom I share mutual love and respect. He has wronged me in many ways during my lifetime, but I absolutely cannot forgive him for nearly killing my mother because of his stupidity and arrogance. I have no desire to speak with him ever again. He has never changed, and he never will.