Life Update: COVID, college, and controlled substances

I really wish I have been keeping a journal since this all started. I have gone through so much this year, along with everyone I know. I have no access to the kind of therapy I need. This all sucks. 

College and COVID. I have finally reached a point in this semester where I would rather shrug off my assignments than even attempt them, because doing so gives me more anxiety than I can handle. The anxiety from not doing assignments used to be worse, but at some point this changed, and I hope this does not lead to my ultimate failure after trying my damned hardest this whole semester. 

I am attending a Zoom class at this very moment. It is my only class on Fridays, and as of today I am falling behind in it. There was an assignment due right before class that I didn't even look at until just now. Maybe I will be able to hand it in late, who knows. I don't know if I really care.

Last semester started off so amazing. The whole first half, pre-COVID, was my best semester yet. I was making genuine connections with my professors and TAs, peers, and lab partners. I had someone from each class that I could do homework with. I had finally gotten the hang of college, and I knew what I was supposed to be doing. I was hopeful, and finally overcame the depression that lingered from my past.

Now I want to cry just thinking about it, because everything was a waste of time and effort. Not a single person I made a connection with that semester is still in touch with me. Last semester's success seems like it took place on a distant planet, lightyears away from the world in which we now dwell.

Every class this semester is structured differently. It took weeks just to get the hang of navigating through course materials and assignments, zoom links, and group discussions for all of my classes. They all have very similar names, so it took a while just to get used to which class was which. This made me fall behind at first, and I still don't feel like I ever fully caught up. Maybe that contributes to the overwhelming anxiety I get when I look at assignments now.

My zoom class just ended. That was it; once a week, my professor checks in with us for a few minutes. Everything else is prerecorded. No contact, no connection. Just do what you're told and your grade will be assigned based on how well you did it. There's no going to the professor after class for extra help, no discussing concepts with your classmates. Only email, which gives me a whirlwind of anxiety on its own when I actually KNOW the recipient. Not knowing the recipient outside of our limited Zoom connection... I can't even address them without wanting to curl up into a ball, with baseless shame and self-contempt swirling in my head.

I never thought I'd say this, but talking to a professor face to face is actually so much easier for me than attempting to communicate through email. I partially blame one of my professors last semester, the only class I had that was online to begin with (pre-COVID). He refused to grade an assignment that I had slaved over, because I submitted it in the wrong folder. I barely scraped by with a D because of it, even though I had put in my full effort all semester long. We emailed back and forth for a few days, and he consistenly either misunderstood me or refused to acknowledge my point of view. It left me feeling all sorts of terrible. 

I know all professors aren't like that. I have one that was actually very understanding when I did reach out this semester. But I have a long way to go before I can feel normal again whenever I'm in a similar situation. I always have the doubt, the fear, the concern that my voice will be shut down, my hardships or minor misunderstandings taken as "excuses". Talking to professors in person used to be something I was afraid of, because I would cry instincitively, and it was embarassing. But I was finally getting over it, I was finally able to deal with all of that. Now I have no idea how to interact with people in general anymore. I used to be able to get on stage at open mics and sing my heart out. I have no idea if I'm even capable of that now, despite how much fun it was.

Drugs have been my number one coping mechanism since around April. I have been dependent on weed to help me with a variety of things; chronic pain, anxiety, sleeplessness, and an easy distraction from the shitty things going on. I truly think it's the only thing keeping me going right now. Without it, I would have nothing to depend on, and I can't imagine going through what I have been without being able to get high and let it go. 

I am just going to lay it all out. This is all personal stuff I am trying to cope with and understand, stuff that has occured within recent memory. I have no idea how to deal with it all.

My dad nearly shot my mom, he left a hole in the wall (second time this happened in my lifetime). My best friend's father died of a heart attack. One of her cats is going in for major surgery. My aunt died from complications due to heart disease and liver cancer. Another friend's mom just overdosed on heroine, and if not for his grandparents, his kid brother would be facing foster care. Trying to be there for my friends and family has been hard when I don't even know how to deal with my own shit, and especially difficult because it is all limited to virtual contact.  

On top of everything, my dear grandfather had a COVID scare that THANK GOD turned out negative. One of the only good things that has happened recently, but it's still scary to think about how vulnerable he is. He means so much to me, and he's the only grandparent I ever got to know since all my other grandparents have passed before I was mature. He has financially supported me for my whole life, and if not for him, I would truly have nothing. I am very afraid of the day he has to leave this world behind. 

Chronic infections keep coming back to bite me. Chronic depression seems like it's gotten quite comfortable in my brain. Chronic back pain leaves me feeling crippled as the lack of excercise during lockdown catches up to me and makes everything worse. 

I keep trying to help my roommates get along, because they keep getting into fights and I'm always getting pulled into it. Things seem ok right now, but there's always some tension between them that I wish they'd get over, because we're friends and all we have right now is each other.

I just want it all to end. The world is such a shitty, shitty place right now. I am determined to live through it and see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it's fucking hard to keep focusing on this light when there's no way of determining how far away it is.