Something I Have Yet to Speak of

I've hidden the truth--

   Of my identity

Mask after mask--

   Avoiding the insincerity

Afraid of living--

   Of making certain connections

These are my feelings--

   That I fear won't be accepted

I've spent all this time--

   Being dishonest

Choosing the lies--

   Of which I am fondest

I would reveal it--

   Though might it worsen the pain

I have ones that I'd trust, though--

   I couldn't bear to lose them

...

I want to tell someone I know I can trust--

   But I know that might sever our bond

Perhaps a slight chance of a deeper love--

   Else what once was would be gone

This wouldn't be my worry, though--

   If that's all it were that I feared

I need something more than my own belief--

   Someone else who feels near

Confidence--

      So that I'll never falter

And turn to dedication--

   To a life I don't wish to lead

My soul may change its mind--

   A life I try to alter

No reason to avoid a lie--

   To which there was no need

My fears are overcoming me--

   My heart aches in its cage

Confusion settles anywhere--

   But here it chose to stay?

Where hides the confidence--

   Built so on outside perspectives

It's when I need her most--

  That she lingers on the edges

I wrote these today, in school, when my heart was heavy with the pressure of it all.

This time, I just couldn't push it away any more. I had to figure it out. I did some research, and sure enough, I feel so much more comfortable with myself when I think of it this way. It makes so much sense to me.

I haven't told this to anyone yet. I've barely just admitted it to myself, to be honest.

I'm bigender.

I really, truly am.

I have moments where I feel so wrong in my own body that I cry and hurt all over, it makes me want to tear myself apart physically-- but I almost always stop myself-- and instead do so mentally. I've pushed it away for all these years. I've closed my mind off from thinking about it. I've invalidated myself, I've destroyed my self-loyalty. 

I am socially awkward sometimes... Being a girl. If I were a boy in those situations, I would feel much more comfortable. But just pretending I'm a boy throws me off, because everyone else still perceives me as a girl and constantly remind me as such by calling me "she" and stuff like that.

I can't tell them, though, because they'd just feel even weirder around me if anything. None of them would support me. 

I say I'm a terrible liar.

But I'm so practiced in lying to myself that I simply don't realize when one slips out.

I do keep my word, though. And that is a problem, because once I say something, whether true or not, I stick to it until I believe it myself.

I'm scared I'll do that with this.

It's stupid.

It really is.