Starting To Live As Bigender!
I cut my hair at 5 AM Monday morning, December 7th, 2015. I finished touching it up yesterday with a razor comb that I was able to convince my mother to get for me. She freaked out at first, yeah, but mainly because she would rather I have it professionally cut. I madly disagree. Like I told her, it's like telling someone else how to sculpt a statue or an object in your mind. It just can't be done... Everyone's style is different.
I woke up this morning feeling very much like a girl. Yesterday I was convinced that I was just transgender as I couldn't recall the emotions I had when being comfortable with my body, even though I knew there were points in my past where I was. And now I feel like I'm permanently cisgendered, although I know there's going to be days in the future where I'll be feeling dysphoric again.
It's only hitting me now that I cut my hair, of course. Yesterday I was very, very happy with looking like a boy, and everyone teasing me about that. So I had to do something to make myself feel more girly today, just a tad bit, so I can be most comfortable. I just put a colorful belt-type thing around my head as a headband and put my hair overit, letting the long ends fall over my shoulders like ponytails. I'm wearing a brightly colored shirt, which is something I haven't done in a long time, with a long blue skirt. I feel very lady-like, now. x3
I still prefer not to wear makeup. I don't feel like that's reserved for girls, either, but that isn't what's stopping me. I just don't like to wear it! It feels so gross on me. It feels... Fake. I don't think wearing makeup is a terrible thing, though. If you're comfortable with it, good for you! Don't be afraid to express yourself.
With the Birds I'll Share...
Inspired by Red Hot Chilli Peppers.
I told someone
I hope I'm not mistaken.
But she's very supportive.
And she said she'll be there for me while I'm figuring myself out.
Thanks.
Something I Have Yet to Speak of
I've hidden the truth--
Of my identity
Mask after mask--
Avoiding the insincerity
Afraid of living--
Of making certain connections
These are my feelings--
That I fear won't be accepted
I've spent all this time--
Being dishonest
Choosing the lies--
Of which I am fondest
I would reveal it--
Though might it worsen the pain
I have ones that I'd trust, though--
I couldn't bear to lose them
...
I want to tell someone I know I can trust--
But I know that might sever our bond
Perhaps a slight chance of a deeper love--
Else what once was would be gone
This wouldn't be my worry, though--
If that's all it were that I feared
I need something more than my own belief--
Someone else who feels near
Confidence--
So that I'll never falter
And turn to dedication--
To a life I don't wish to lead
My soul may change its mind--
A life I try to alter
No reason to avoid a lie--
To which there was no need
My fears are overcoming me--
My heart aches in its cage
Confusion settles anywhere--
But here it chose to stay?
Where hides the confidence--
Built so on outside perspectives
It's when I need her most--
That she lingers on the edges
Read moreI'm Not Mediocre!
My own force of mediocrity has been pulling me down. I've been overwhelmed by the stress of being the top. That's why I've been going completely downhill in the last semester of school years since 8th grade. I could have been valadictorian when I graduated junior high, my principal had said so. I wish that he hadn't.
Everyone expected so much out of me.
I found it so much easier to just join the other half of my class and just be mediocre. I found it so easy to look for excuses, like blaming everything on the bad relationship I was in. (Although I guess that did have a lot to do with it, in all honesty.)
But I'm not going to be like that anymore.
I'm not going to let these unconcious feelings control me any longer.
I'm not going to be so weak.
Cheers for motivation!
