Why Can't I Do Anything

I am a talented young lady. I am learning three instruments, one of which I only just began taking lessons for, since I actually care deeply for it. I can write stories. I can write music.

I can fuckin'... I can draw.

I can swim? I can SCUBA DIVE.

I can run.

I am learning Japanese for fun 'cause why the hell not.

I am just so uber smart aren't I? Yeah, I can do everything.

So why am I not doing any of it.

I have friends. I have family. Why am I not with any of them. Why can I not be with them at this exact moment in time, and give them all a hug, and just call up my friend and hang out at a coffee shop or a library so we can enjoy the company of one another.

Why am I so abnormal.

Why does everyone have to be working or in camp or doing some shit without me. WHY CAN'T I CALL UP THE PEOPLE WHO ARE AVAILABLE FOR ME. And why do I not have the capabilities to begin an activity on my own? I'm not literally chained down in a cold, dark room, my mouth sewn shut and my heart curled up in the fetal position. So why does it feel like I am?

Why do I keep hearing these voices? They always say, "You can't, You can't, You can't, you don't need a reason why."

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD.

They make me feel things, too, like that feeling that I'm being watched, all the time. And every object around me... They're alive, no matter how many times I tell myself that they are not living, not capable of human speech or behaviour, or especially thoughts or emotions.

Is solitude really capable of driving me up the wall like this?

How long will I keep letting hysteria throw me upon the ground so that I can sob and then laugh until my heart leaves my chest.

How long until I see reason again.

How much more waiting do I need to do before I can fix myself?